Remakes SHMEEMAKES! This means WAR.
Prepare to be chilled to the bone before bursting into a flaming ball of rage.
As if the state of things wasn’t bad enough, movie-obsessed website Den of Geek has just released a pretty-damn-official listing of 55 (FIFTY FIVE!!) movies that are slated for Hollywood remake treatment over the next three years. That list is HERE, but before you click on that link, consider how much you care about what you hold close to your heart. If you’re at all faithful to the ones that you love — like your mom, your wife, Ray Harryhausen’s CLASH OF THE TITANS — gird your loins for some blazing fury. The enemy is approaching in the guise of “re-imaginings” of untouchable favorites including THE DIRTY DOZEN, THEY LIVE, POLTERGEIST, RED DAWN, THE THING (again), SHORT CIRCUIT and…METROPOLIS!!??!!! The anti-creativity levy has broken and we’re about to face an apocalyptic tidal wave of limp, CGI-laden retreads of the films that made us love movies in the first place, many of which will be helmed by 22-year-old music video directors who weren’t even in training pants yet when the original films swept the world up in a frenzy of ambition, imagination and that bygone Hollywood Magic.
There may be some out there who consider remake-haters as a bunch of overly nostalgic cinema fogeys who can’t step forward into the “modern age of entertainment.” But that dismissal could only come from people who prefer the comforting whiteness of a cucumber “wrap” over a delicious, steaming burrito. It’s become the national standard to be intimated by traditionalism, originality and — most tragically — quality.
So, if you’re one of these easily placated schlubs who readily embrace the increasingly furious avalanche of recycled concepts…your life will surely be beautiful. When you back over the family cat in your 2009 model PT Cruiser, you can buy another one from the Petco and not feel the sting of loss. When grandma dies, just go on Craigslist and find grandpa a newer, shinier wife, maybe even with breast implants. And at the very end of your years, when every shred of the past has been erased from your world, you can at last lay down peacefully — unfettered by the clunky ugliness of things that actually mattered — and disappear into the eternal sleep of the equally forgotten.
Damn, I hate remakes.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I had to quit reading halfway through – just too depressing. Really? Micheal Bay remaking Rosemary’s Baby? Really?
Sigh.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
damn – there is no hope for the future. someone should “disappear” Michael Bay for the love of humanity.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
So, some of those wouldn’t be SO bad…I would like to see a new interpretation of Metropolis. English language versions of foreign films don’t bug me as much, either. (no matter how damn good the Host was, it’ll get a much wider audience in English). But others, like Red Dawn and Karate Kid and Last Starfighter are just COMPLETELY linked to the time that they came out…it seems impossible to try to capture that 20+ years later. AND- other films are just so GOD-DAMNED perfect, like Carpenter’s The Thing, or Near Dark, that it’s bordering on Blasphemy to try to re-tread them.
Of course, the great many of these will probably go the way of Tony Scott’s The Warriors remake…dead before it even started.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I dunno, I’m pretty interested to see what Jennifer Lopez does with Mildred Pierce.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:45 am
I have nothing against remakes if they’re worthwhile and done with sensitivity. This doesn’t excuse the lack of creativity though. There are still thousands upon thousands of stories waiting to be shown on the silver screen without resorting to rehashing old ones.
There’s no need to remake some movies because they were just done right the first time and remaking them couldn’t possibly improve the original: Blazing Saddles, Withnail and I, Brazil, A Passage to India. There’s no need to remake other movies because they are so tied to the time they were made: Barbarella, The Ruling Class, Trainspotting. There’s no need to remake other movies because they’re so imprinted with the original director and/or actors: The Man Who Would be King, Dark Star, Withnail and I (again), Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, All The President’s Men.
And then there are the movies that shouldn’t be remade because… well, there’s just no point. Karate Kid? Romancing the Stone? What for? But when was Hollywood about doing anything for any reason other than money?
I’m not one of those movie geeks who thinks some films are sacrosanct and shouldn’t ever be touched – I try to keep an open mind, and if it’s done with care and sensitivity, even a Metropolis remake would get me to part with the cost of a cinema ticket.
Fantastic Voyage would be a good one because it’s just too funny seeing Donald Pleasance being attacked by a huge wad of cotton wool. Effects have come a long way since then. Forbidden Planet I could go either way on – it’s such a classic, but remade with care it could be a worthwhile project.
And Barbarella… well, as long as it’s not Angelina Jolie I might be tempted.
But they really should have left Pelham One Two Three alone, dammit!!!
December 19th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Yes, this is disgusting and disheartening. However, now screening at Alamo Village… “The Day The Earth Stood Still”… remake! No double standards here.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Yes, Anonymous. DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL is playing at one of our theaters. We’re showing the number one movie in America so we can continue to do business. I guess we’re a bunch of selfish buttholes.
However, if Hollywood was regularly releasing original material, that would be playing in it’s place. See how this works?
If you have no interest in seeing THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, then feel free to step away from your safe, anonymous keyboard cleverness and instead come to our theaters and enjoy any of the excellent new non-remake fare that’s playing our screens, including SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, MILK and the absolutely unparalleled LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. All great films, all remake-free.
December 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
The remake of 13 Tzameti with Jason Statham, Ray Winstone, Ray Liotta, Mickey Rourke could be good, though it wouldn’t really make sense for any of them to play the Sébastien role. Then again, wikipedia says that the director says that he’s going to be changing the story, so who knows.
Re: Let The Right One In… isn’t that movie in NotEnglish? No thanks. I’ll wait for the remake.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I tried to read the Den of Geek article, but struggled for two reasons. The obvious reason is the idea of how many remakes there are. The not so obvious reason is–I can’t figure out why so many people want to “pen” scripts. I’ve had several dogs penned in my life, but that’s because they liked to escape and defile neighbors’ yards.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
If Tony Scott’s remake of “Man On Fire” is any indication, Pelham 123 will kick ass.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I notice that you changed the original title of this posting from “Remakes SCHMEMAKES to the slightly different “Remakes SHMEEMAKES”.
Talk about hypocrisy.
December 19th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
So Zach, remakes are terrible… but are ok if they make money? Anonymous has a point though, since you didn’t know Day The Earth Stood Still would be number one when it was programmed. A terrible movie that shouldn’t exist. shouldn’t be excused because it makes money… isn’t the Alamo all about quality programming not just commercialism? The three other films you mention are all great, as is 99% of the Alamo programming!
December 19th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Rachel – I do see your point, of course. It’s often just a matter of what movies are available to us. There weren’t many titles to choose from opening that weekend. Believe me…I’m not first in line for DAY or any other new remake, but in the current climate of the movie industry, a first-run theater that opted to not program titles like this would immediately lose a third of their options, and thus a third of their business. Sad fact…one that I hate, to be honest…but there are also several filmmakers and actors that I’d like to veto as well. It just can’t be done. And frankly, none of us in the programming office are singularly responsible for the titles that are chosen anyway. And finally, if people want to go see Keanu Reeves struggle in the shadow of Michael Rennie’s great performance, is it our place to not have it available?
Regardless, I didn’t write the original post to start a lengthy dialogue on theatrical exhibition morals, but rather as a call-to-arms for people who’d like to see more originality coming from Hollywood. So if anyone wants to discuss this further with me, email me at zack@originalalamo.com and we’ll set up a time for you to come by my house, knock back a couple root beers and argue to completion.
December 20th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Zack, while I can appreciate your disdain for the Hollywood remake, I don’t really understand the point of getting upset about it. Yes, it is an indicator that Hollywood is–to some degree–bankrupt of ideas, but it’s also just a risk aversion strategy. Hollywood invests in remakes (as well as sequels) as much as they do because they are simply proven.
And while most of these remakes will likely be pretty bad, there always exists the possibility that they might produce something worthwhile. I found it interesting that you listed The Thing in your list of potential remakes without pointing out that the Carpenter remake of that movie was absolutely worthwhile.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Yeah…Carpenter’s The Thing is arguably one of the best films ever made.
And it’s a re-make…or should I say a second attempt at adapting the original story “Who Goes There.”
That does raise an interesting question- is something like The Thing a straight ahead re-make, or just a ‘do-over’ on adapting it’s source material?
I mean, Batman Begins isn’t a remake of Batman ‘89…it’s just another shot at doing a Batman origin.
Same could be said for something like “The Warriors” as well… as great as the Walter Hill movie is, it’s a far cry from a faithful adaptation of the source material. You could make an argument that a director (NOT Tony Scott) trying to do a more faithful adaptation of the original book would be just as, if not more so, artistically valid.
But then, we’ve seen things like “I Am Legend” go back to the well and dick it up…fuck that movie.
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:14 am
my favorite:
steven spielberg + will smith proudly present…oldboy
sure, not every remake is bad. but look at the big picture – this is a phenomenon. a lame billion dollar fad. would you think any differently if 55 of billboard’s top 100 albums came from cover bands?
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
I guess not having lived through the eighties leaves me void of the nostalgia attached to most of these. There wasn’t a single movie on the list that made me frustrated.
However, I, honestly, think remakes are really awesome–I mean Herzog using the the prelude to Das Rheingold is one of the best moments in his career, and nobody cared when Bertolucci remade Rashomon, he just got a Criterion release out of it–heaven forbid Hollywood touch it though, or his own Last Tango in Paris, which is a shitty movie to begin with. If all the Wilder losers knew Paul Morrissey remade Sunset Blvd. as Heat (if they’d ever submit to lowering themselves enough acknowledge Morrissey’s existence) they’d piss and moan even though Little Joe runs circles around Wilder’s gimp ridden garbage.
Hollywood’s just in a slum where almost everything is bad/lame/boring; there aren’t any Wellmans, Manns, or Rays right now. But everything in Hollywood is totally cyclical, and we’re in the lowest of the lows right now–as noted by 3:10 to Yuma, where just about every flaw comes from expounding on the extremely minimal original. For there to be good action movies you have to have (unapologetic sexism) masculinity oozing throughout every frame, and the former Hollywood system was a breeding ground for it. Directors used to go fight wars (Fuller) or at least film them (Ford) or Bulls (Boetticher) or any number of big game while probably piss drunk (Hawks) or fly planes (Wellman) or at least wear a fucking eye patch, duh (that covers nearly everyone else–de Toth, Lang, Walsh…)! The biggest action movie of the year (The Dark Knight) is also the most slopping, lazy, and self-righteous I’ve seen in a long time… cell-phone vision, seriously? But it’s what people want, so it’s what they’ll continue to get until people realize they’re fed crap.
Of all the great stuff that came out in the past two years it’s either from south-east Asia (Syndromes and a Century, Still Life, Woman on the Beach, I Don’t Want to Sleep Alone) or the products of 50+ years experience (Belle Toujours, Regular Lovers, Don’t Touch the Axe) then the new Reygadas and Maddins are special cases, I guess (since I’m not a fan of either). (fodder for my crucifixion: Let the Right One In is awful… this year’s Pan’s Labyrinth. If I want a captivating look at childhood I’ll watch Spirit of the Beehive, Forbidden Games, or Night of the Hunter; if I want vampire love stories… I’ll jerk off to Rollin. LtROI is the kind of half-assed “art film” that fails at everything but letting the people pat themselves on the back for sitting through a movie with subtitles. Moreover, it’s based on a book, a remake that crosses mediums)
The more remakes the better, when someone attempts to put a spin on Syberberg, I’ll be the first to buy a ticket.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 am
Also, any plans for Metropolis would have to be seriously postponed, since they found 45 minutes of lost footage in Argentina in September.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
dear “remakes are awesome” RTF sophomore,
nice 4:30am essay, but finals week is over. i like the part where you paused the very impressive name droppings long enough to vouch support for the remakes of 55 movies you admittedly don’t give a shit about.
love,
rapping cgi oompa-loompas
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 pm
This is the most exciting blog that’s ever been posted for the Alamo. And yet I have nothing to say about it…
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Oh.. except that the My Bloody Valentine remake was nothin’ but poop. 3D poop flying at your face.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 am
Anonymous, you should figure out there’s a realm of film criticism outside aintitcoolnews.com or Marc Savlov’s reviews, and I don’t know what most people get out of film degrees, but you can surely learn more in one weekend on TCM.
Hollywood is totally irrelevant whether it’s remaking movies or not. I went to Day the Earth Stood Still and enjoyed it more than most of the original material to come out this year–especially Let the Right One In. I mean, did anyone actually look forward to Vantage Point? No.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:14 am
Hollywood will make whatever people buy. That’s business.
No one is saying “No movie should ever be remade” – I’m sure we all have a list of flawed films we’d like to see done right.
But what does it say about your culture when the biggest artistic movement is “Remakes”.
How is that not pathetic?
February 26th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Hollywood is an evil place where good movies are dragged off to be humilated and destroyed by pathetic redos that only can be said to have better special effects at the expense of good stories, and the classics die horrific deaths for the amusement of the money crazed men who enjoy their destruction of classics for a few bucks. That said, what hope do our childhood memories have? Short Circuit remake, Ghostbusters 3, Goonies 2, ect. The horror…
April 8th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
What is captcha code?, pls provide me captcha code codes or plugin, Thanks in advance.